Once upon a time, I wanted to stay-at-home with the boys to have more quality time with them, allow them the opportunity to sleep past 5:30 a.m., and allow myself the opportunity to volunteer at their school. These were things my mom did with me and I hoped to one day be able to do them with my children. While I was able to stay at home with the boys for a year, I feel as though it was not enough. Now that we are back in the swing of school/work, Tim and Josh are both in elementary school and some days I feel as though my head is going to explode. I miss waking up with my boys and making them lunch. I miss walking them to school. I miss being put together.
The grass is always greener on the other side. It ALWAYS is. When I was home with the boys, I missed teaching and completely lost myself. I've always been "Sassy Berry," the teacher. Being a stay-at-home mom was a new role--one that I'm not sure I adapted to very well. That being said, it's overwhelming being a working mom and while I KNOW that being a stay-at-home mom is NEVER easy, some days I just wish that I was home with my boys.
I feel like I'm letting my children down--like I'm not the best mom that I can be. Why? Because I come home from work and I'm exhausted. It's all I can do to get them to do their homework and get dinner on the table. Yesterday, I made myself take them to the park--they biked and I pushed Danny in the stroller. I had cleaning and laundry I needed to do, but I knew it was more important to spend good, quality time with my boys.
I'm trying to let things go--like the cleanliness of the house, but it's hard. I want to spend time with my boys, but I also have a house to run. It is what it is. I am thankful that I have a job with the shortage of music jobs/programs in the county and state....I am thankful to have three beautiful boys. I must keep swimming. You do what you have to do to keep the family going. We need a house, food, clothes....and I must provide for my family. The glass is half full... Just keep swimming... I think I can, I think I can.....